The Age of Aquarius

While milestones are blown, and failures and faux pas occur, and servers crash, and laptops fry* - there is hope, however, for everyone to be a better person. Another year has come and gone, and what do any of us have to show for it?

There are two occasions where I go into a deep meditation/crisis on what to do with myself for the next year. The first semi-occasion is New Year's, where I drunkenly think about the past year and what's been accomplished (most of the time amounting to nothing), and (yet) there is hope for the year to come. The second is my birthday, in which I grow a little depressed with each milestone (sans hope), having failed to do all the things I vowed by a certain age. These two days fall more or less within 30 days of each other, so I always freak out hardcore for a straight 4 weeks in January every year, in the height of winter.

Inspired by my colleague Mr. Hoyer's "Hot Not to Piss Me Off in 2004" last year, I've looked back at my own faux pas and tragic flaws of others, and gone into a deep meditation on what the fuck not to do this year. So how shall we settle this? Ahhhhh, yes. Here at Bi-Coastal Disorder as we enter the sun in Aquarius, we cook it up coastal with some new-age astrology and a dump truck of salt. Didn't make any resolutions for the New Year? Allow me to come to your rescue and make some suggestions! Want me to figure out why someone you know is just plain retarded, but you don't have the $19.95 to call Miss Cleo?

Based upon the people I know and knew, and their collective problems, I narrowed them down into groups based upon how they piss most people off and what I perceive their "issues" to be based upon their birthday. While there's no exact science involved, I was more amazed at how accurate they are. The results are just staggering and no one is spared!

Aquarius
January 21 - February 19

You're a total fucking freak show. A fruitcake, a nut job, a wack emcee. Not only does this make you quite loveable, but the more conscious you are of your freakdom, you play into it to the point where you're pretentious. While you feel that no one can hold you down, try not to be so sloppy and wasteful in making good company. Do yourself a favor and try to be more personable with people, you flake. Even though you revel in this whole aloof and eclectic act, I don't think it's necessarily that - it's just that you're straight-up emotionally retarded. You tend to be out of touch with your feelings, only because you try to rationalize everything. Do you remember that 90s alterna-supergroup, Live? Their first two albums weren't that bad. The irony is that Live started sucking wind when they tried to sound too much like - Live, tada! Authenticity and validity suffers as a result, you dig? Get off the marijuana and stop listening to Jim Morrison; it's only making you more lame and mental. You remind people of vagrants, which smell like hot trash baked in the sun on a city sidewalk. People eat hippies like you for breakfast.

Pisces
February 20 - March 20

Ahhh, Pisces. You knock my socks off. You're easily misunderstood. You're needy. I feel such a kinship with you; my inner high school goth girl surfaces when you're around because you make it safe for me to be vulnerable. I know that you are emotionally wise and have been through a lot. You've always been there when I've had an emotional breakdown. When something goes wrong, I turn to you. You're always there to pick up the pieces. And you know why I run to you when this happens? You happen to be my favorite whining buddy. It's because I know that you're no stranger to pain. You're a masochist. You're a glutton for punishment. You're a martyr. You're everyone's favorite booty-call. Coincidentally, you're also the mopiest motherfucker I know. You totally bum me out. You know what you make me feel like? It's like when someone makes the decision to throw a geriatric relative in an old folks' home, and the first day you go there for the drop-off, there are all these old folks clawing at you, crying like you're Jesus Christ or The Pope or something coming to save them. Buck up, camper. Where are your brass balls? Tell everyone to stop using you as a fuckin' doormat!

Aries
March 21 - April 20

Aries, I love you and I hate you all the same. Being around you is like having constant P.M.S. It's not that I don't think you're fun; you're incredibly passionate about many things and I find great worth in that. It's not that you're a bad person, it's just that you're an overbearing stalker. Most of the time it seems like you understand me, but then you do something to offend the shit out of me to test me. It's always a power struggle, and I end up playing stupid games of yours, and it's mainly because you're an incredibly insecure baby and need peons to fuel your fire. Unfortunately, I end up catching on quicker than you think, and I'm not one of those peons. It's not that you're calculating or intelligent, it's just that if you exercised some tact more often, instead of talking out of your fuckin' ass, I'd find you bearable. I really just think that you like to butt heads with me for shits and verbally spar as a pastime, and I don't have that kind of time to waste. The more attention I pay to you, even if you're being a dick, the more you revel in it. I think that's sick and sad. So I don't. It's because I mainly can't get over your insane ego, and will smite you down if you don't get that shit in check. You know why I know this? I was born to Aries parents. So, a rebellion I shall stage. Huzzah!

Taurus
April 21 - May 21

Break out the Pet Shop Boys. We are the ultimate ambiguously gay duo, mainly because you're dressed better than I am. You have me tarted up to be your bitch when we hang out and you're jealous as hell if someone doesn't pay attention to you. Not that I mind that I'm your bitch, but it makes me squeamish from time-to-time. The zodiac sign that I'm not really sure what to make of, I enjoy listening to you because you're loyal and fierce about traditions I don't have. In fact, I listen to you· all the time, because you're incessantly talking about yourself. If ever anyone had to be born under a sign where it was permissible to be selfish, this would have to be the sign. Your "Me! Me! Me! Wah wah wah!" Charlie Brown tirades suck; I hate listening to them. You're also too critical of me when really, what you should be doing is worrying about your own fucked-up life. Hello, credit card debt? You also buy way too much stuff and hold on to things with a Grip of Death unlike anything I've ever seen. Grudge-match? Holy shit. Goddammit, you're so stubborn that you're probably not going to listen to a fucking word I say. Basically, you're a major douchebag. I can appreciate that because you know what you want, but you impose your standards onto other people way too much. Try listening to others, and for starters, stop buying shit you don't need. Gah! Now go to Nordstrom and buy something to make yourself feel better about what I just said.

Gemini
May 22 - June 21

You're a weirdo; an outright weirdo. You're like a teenager on drugs that hasn't grown out of the rave scene. Do you know how sad that is? You don't know who you are half the time, and even when you say you do, you don't. Could you be any more confusing? It's not moreso confusing, it's that it's a paradox that no one really cares about because it makes sense to you and no one else. You try to explain it but you can't, because you're having an identity crisis every five fucking minutes. By the time someone gets close enough to try and want to understand, and you've just come to the point when you can explain it, you've lost them completely because they think you're full of shit already. Sucks, doesn't it? Now might be the time to figure out your sexuality or ask the questions of yourself you haven't asked already. You need to be put into the time out corner. Self-imposed· no ifs, ands, or buts. You're like a dog chasing its' own tail; you never understand what the hell is wrong with you. You need time by yourself to examine who you are, because you're a fucking nutcase. Go read some Batman comic books. The Dark Knight knows all about your deep-seated duality. OK, it's not really duality, but more like· I mean really, you scare the shit out of me like a movie written by Harmony Korine with Crispin Glover as the lead actor in it·God forbid, that shit would just be foul.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

I put up with massive shit from you all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I think that everyone does... I think it's only because deep inside, everyone's a little bit of a Cancer too. Most people agree with you in the sense where their moral and ethics codes are theirs and theirs only; the main problem is that you back off way too much. You know why? You're a pansy. Though I can't fault you for being an outright negative-energy-into-the-universe type of whiner, you're a sulker. You sulk because you don't feel safe or secure for whatever reason that may be. That's cool, everyone has those moments of neglect and rejection, but really, get with the goddamn program. 85% of the time (as I have very little faith in humankind,) no one's going to come up to you when you're in your self-imposed hideout period and play your mommy and kiss some psychological boo boo of yours if they don't know what's the matter. A life of inaction and not speaking up isn't really going to get you want you want. Say something, anything, for fuck's sakes. And be direct about it. And don't be mean or cutting. Or snarky. While you sit there passing judgement on people by not participating, trying to figure it out by playing inside your head and getting caught up in depression, you're actively damaging your relationships anyway. So, wouldn't it be better to say something? Say something and try to reach out before you alienate everyone; chances are they won't be back if you push them away, you big baby. Now get out there, grab your cojones, and make some pals, my crabby friend!

Leo
July 23 -August 21

Well, aren't you just Master of the Hizzouse, Mr. Man? What is it with you? You're just seriously uncooperative, and if I'm not kissing your ass, you have to go find someone who will. While you like the thrill of the hunt, and to explore new horizons, you also have to be one-up and better than everyone else. How annoying are you? You're a slave to it. Your attempts to dominate everyone really rub people the wrong way. Why can't you just be yourself and do away with the ego? You think it's all about you, tough guy? Yeah, 'cause it really is all about you. Isn't it? Don't be so dependent on people's feedback, poser. You care so much about what everyone thinks of you that it's absolutely fucking disgusting. In fact, stop reading this column right now. Oh, that's right - the lifestyle. You have an illusion to upkeep. You like to lead the glamorous life. If there's one thing that's redeeming, at least you're generous and fun. But, as Prince's former drummer Sheila Escovedo once sang, "without love, it ain't much." I think it's because all Leos have small penises. You can absolutely quote me on that, by the way.

Virgo
August 22 - September 23

I can bounce ideas off you all day because it seems that you possess an efficiency I don't have when executing ideas. Yet, I find you so much of a curmudgeon I don't really know what to do with you. I liken it to having to fake an orgasm. You intrigue me a bit because your solitude lends itself to peacefulness; however, you also make me yawn uncontrollably. Fussy, critical, inflexible - you're a perfectionist. You don't like it when I mess with your system. Fine, but· you read into everything too much. Stop that. You get lost in your head. It gets rather annoying when the other people around you are just trying to do something for the sake of doing something for you, you know? Go with the flow. It's mayhem having to constantly need textbook definitions for everything and clearly delineated lines. Color me confused, but I don't really like it when nuns come up to me and smack my hands with rulers when I'm out trying to learn stuff about the world. Call it a deeply-rooted issue for me· much like the one that you have that I'll never stick around to figure out. Maybe you're just trying to keep everyone comfortably ignorant, which, by your definition may be bliss. It's up to you, though, to figure out what that issue actually is. If you can't figure it out, then I don't know what to tell you other than to suggest that Oprah may have your answer.

Libra
September 24 - October 23

Tyler Durden? I'm walking on thin ice here as most of my closest friends fall under this sign. But Libra, conceptually, just as everyone should strive for balance in their lives, there is a lot of that gray area in life and you spend a whole fuckload of time sitting in it. In fact, very much so that you don't even move from the comfortable gray area because I think you're actually terrified of what would happen if you offset the balance. Good or bad, you have more honorable traits and tragic flaws than a whole arsenal of Marvel protagonists. Libra, Libra·so diplomatic that you're practical, and I find practical a little dull. Excellent at mediation, and you also avoid conflict. Personally, for you, I find this to be seriously fucking wussy· and you're indecisive as hell. This is why you have always had the problems that you do. You're the epitome of shooting yourself in the foot, Captain Backfire. Fucking make a decision or take the problem head on instead of thinking it'll all pan out somehow. Duh! It's amazing what a little effort can do in one direction. Now, you're my buddy and I'm going to take your shit and you know it. But the most annoying thing is that I can never get angry at you because you're trying to be "fair." Why are you trying to use that Jedi mind trick on me? You slay me and entrap me 100% of the time because I really believe you when you're going to. I'm such a sucker. You're going to charm your way out of it somehow. People fall for it, and they're fucking suckers too! They're too blind to know that you're going to sit on your ass and do nothing, absolutely nothing, about it. Don't let this happen. You might want to punch yourself in the face before you turn over a new leaf. Don't you really mean it this time? Don't you? Flip-flopper? Hello?

Scorpio
October 24 - November 22

As Bell Biv DeVoe once pontificated, "You never trust a big butt and a smile." Though they have a reputation for being the most sexual creatures in the zodiac, upon further research I'd have to conclude that all fascists are probably Scorpios, and no one likes a fascist. Can anyone name any Scorpio that isn't motherfucking clinically nuts? I bet that most sycophants, psychopaths, and the severely mentally ill are Scorpios. Scorpio, you're demanding, critical, possessive - basically, you're a regular Nazi. You just have to accept the fact that this is the case and go take the steps to put yourself on some anticonvulsants or something. Chill the fuck out. You're poised for a heart attack - in the most cynical terms, life's a big letdown and you're just bringing up a big fucking shitstorm for everyone around you. Do you really want everyone hating you? I like the whole badass front, but it's really not certified genuine badass. It's actually masking a thin veil of insecurity. You impose this onto others by asserting your desires and wants and wishes onto people who will listen to your shrill girly-like screaming for attention. You take yourself way too seriously and you know what? People are constantly plotting an intervention for you. Soon. Do it before they have to, because they will, and they'll make you cry. Coincidentally, the highest rate of people I know that have attempted suicide have been Scorpios, if that's not an indicator of how fucking nuts they are. Scorpio, you're seriously fucking volatile. Do something for yourself. Get help. Go to therapy. Play Halo 2. Something, anything. Just stay away from me and call me when you feel better.

Sagittarius
November 23 - December 22

I admire your optimism and vision, but your execution is just fucking stupid. You have a penchant for shit-kicking, which is pretty awesome and which I admire, but you go about it in a misdirected fashion, which means that you have no ninja skills. I repeat: NO NINJA SKILLS. Hanging out with you is only chaos. So, that being said, you'd be the last person I'd cast in my own personal criminal bank robbery duo, because you'd end up shooting a bunch of innocents. You're trigger-itchy, and then we wouldn't escape with the money. Instead, we'd get caught and thrown in the hoosegow. I would go mental, have the car breakdown in the middle of the desert, walk to Vegas and hate you all the way, but still love you to death. It's just that you wouldn't be my first choice, because it just wouldn't be smart. Focus. You completely lack focus because you're a loose cannon. You're just all over the goddamn place like a drunken sorority girl at a basement-shady frat party. There's this tendency to hang your balls out there - you're caught up in spraying people with an uzi, and you're unpredictable as fuck. Chances are, if you keep this shit up, you're going to get us both killed. So, sorry about that. Oh yeah, another thing. Start breaking for paragraphs in the right places and learn how to spell. Dude. That shit drives me crazy. Giddy up.

Capricorn
December 23 - January 20

Remember that time that you called me like at 3AM in the morning to kick the science and call me about that girl? I only do that for you, Capricorn. Years later. I listened. Constantly. I did this each time. I fielded your drunkenly sad phone calls like art because you needed me. When I did the same, it was different, though - I don't know what it was. See, I dig your strong sense of self and the abundance of charm and overall, you're an incredibly trustworthy and strong-willed person. This is impressive and a little intimidating, but the same time, I find you a little rigid. OK, not a little· more like a lot. I think you're harshly judgmental of situations that you come across. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but you don't really need to prove anything to me. Why do you feel the need to do this? With everyone?! The imposition of such strict controls and confines only make me want to rebel. I can just imagine what it's like for everyone else. The advice, the orders, the attitude, which I know was you probably trying to be helpful· it only made me feel like you were being condescending. Maybe you had it all wrong. Not everything is so exact in the universe, and you probably need to be more forgiving, and gentle, and flexible, and put more fiber in your diet or something. You big nerd. It's not all tied up in logic. You're a tight-ass know-it-all, and people like that get beat up! I don't know of anyone that can set themselves up for that many beatdowns, to tell you the truth. I'd still stand in their way and protect you (though you'll never admit it) even if anyone tried to get up in your grill, but still give you a noogie after they've left.

These are the results of my findings, which are certainly very curious and meant highly in jest. You know what? I'm actually doing myself, and you, a favor with these gross generalizations. Just call it part of my humanitarian effort as an Aquarius to help you out. When you have nothing else to blame, chances are you're going to blame it under being born under a bad sign anyway. If anyone is totally offended by the preceding, and if you feel I was inaccurate, just remember it's all in good fun and astrology is seriously fucking dumb. Write the editor if you feel so inclined, and then go read a Todd Hoyer column based on an exact science, you pansy.

* The writer would like to thank her friend Jay [http://www.musubi.org], a Libra, for making a decision to help her with her fried laptop before fixing his crashed server.